New Star Trek Series

I was very excited to hear at the beginning of the year that CBS were to broadcast a new Star Trek series on TV.  Finally Star Trek back where it belongs.  The films are okay but I'm not a fan of the timeline they have chosen to use including the destruction of Vulcan nor recasting the iconic characters from the original series though I have seen them.

However, this news inspired me to watch Star Trek in chronological order so I have started with the Enterprise series and am currently in mid Season 2.  I realise there are whole sections of Star Trek I have missed as I started watching in the Deep Space Nine era which my Dad got me into and then I continued with Voyager which was my favourite.  But I missed the Next Generation series altogether so I have only seen odd clips and it has been many years since I've watched the Original series.

It has been fun watching Enterprise it is far better than I remember it, what I enjoy is seeing the crew using and inventing for the first time many of the iconic elements that make Star Trek what it is today. I also love Porthos, Capt Archer's sweet beagle, and I must also be one of the few people who like the theme song by Russell Watson.

I heard today that the new series will be broadcast here in the UK via Netflix I've put off subscribing to an on demand service before as I have so many shows on DVD and terrestrial TV that I watch already.  But it seems I will have to cave in and sign up.  What a dilemma!

EU Referendum Result

Posting this today* waking up to the result of the EU Referendum the UK having voted to leave the EU. I'm in shock am shaking and have butterflies I just didn't expect it, was so convinced that the Remain would win but thought it would be a close run thing.

Initial reaction by the markets has been inevitably volatile but hope they settle down soon.  It is certainly going to be as a friend put it "an interesting year".

*Note wrote this on Friday, 24 June 2016 day after EU Referendum

*

Been a few days since the shock out vote, and although expected people's disappointment what is upsetting is the vitriol from so many.  And the calls for a second referendum are puzzling that is not how democracy works you don't keep voting until you get the result you want.

I can say this whole process has ignited my interest in politics so will be keeping a close eye on what happens in the coming months. Already Jeremy Corbyn's leadership is under threat with mass resignations from his cabinet. I know for sure I will NEVER vote Labour while he is leader.

Post CBT Therapy

I did 4 sessions of CBT Therapy before I felt that we were now chewing the cabbages in a sense of going over the same ground in the sessions and that now it was up to me to move forward.  One important point I took with me and i know to be true the more you do something the easier it is each time.

It is like learning any new skill it takes practice.

I have taken some small steps, I joined a book club which takes place at lunchtime at a library near my workplace, I love to read and have been posting my book reviews on GoodReads for the last couple of years.  It is a small group everyone's very friendly and it is fun to hear other people's opinions and if they share the same as your's and if their perspective is different to see the book from varying angles. Generally the group meets for around 40 mins once a month.  If you want to read my book reviews there is a link on the right hand side to my GoodReads page.

I have also been encouraged by a friend and colleague at work to take out a membership to the Culture Seerkers website http://www.meetup.com/London_Cultureseekers/ 

Robert who runs the Group arranges meet ups for various events throughout the year, every month there are coffee mornings, evening meals, days out to cultural events, art galleries, historical houses, walks, etc.  You can go along to a couple of events just to see whether you like it and then the membership is £12 a year and for that you get discounts etc.  

I have been along to two events so far once to visit Charles Dickens House and the second for a treasure hunt around Clerkenwell which was good fun.  Everyone was very friendly many people are regulars afterwards you can congregate at a designated pub.

I'm still a work in progress!

CBT Therapy

I had my first CBT Therapy session on Monday 29 February 2016 with Natalia.  I had to wait about 3 months which I realise is very good considering the waiting lists for mental health support on the NHS these days.

I had my usual self-doubts beforehand - I've not had any 'real' social anxiety issues since before Christmas so maybe I should cancel and let someone else have the slot who needs it more than me.

But then it occurs to me that that's because I've not been anywhere or done anything outside of my comfort zone just going to work and home again.  My one social outing was to visit my friend Audrey at her home in Sittingbourne and who I now feel comfortable with it only took me 6.5 years to get there.  So I gave myself a talking to and said lets do it I know she'll be nice as therapists are trained to put people at their ease (and she was).

To start with we had a general chat about matters that bother me which basically stems from my social anxiety as general day to day work is okay.  She told me I should record things that go through my mind when I'm anxious.  She advised me to write a list, a hierarchy from easiest to hardest of goals or things I want to do that I currently find hard to do. And to start to implement mini-dares for myself such as going somewhere I wouldn't normally go as I find travelling especially on holiday or going on weekends away often induces my anxiety.  Natalia explained that if you set yourself smaller achievable goals but spread them out, when you eventually deal with a larger one, you realise that the larger event is really only a series of smaller ones strung together and it becomes easier to manage.

She also mentioned it was important to incorporate exercise, getting enough sleep and eating healthily.

It may seem obvious to most people but when your anxious or get yourself in a rut it is difficult to get out of bad habits and implement basic changes in your life.

Anyway she gave me lots to think about.

Anxiety Update

I kept my appointment with my GP, he recommended:

(1) I have some blood tests just to make sure I don't have an overactive thyroid, I find this extremely unlikely as I have had regular medical checkups through work and I would have thought this would have been picked up, however, I'm not a doctor so I went along to my local hospital and had the blood tests just to be sure.

(2) He also gave me a list of clinics that offer counselling services in Kent that are offered by the NHS and to look through them to see which one would suit me best.  

My GP also told me to make an appointment to see him again in a month's time.

Meanwhile I picked Insight Healthcare who have offices in Ashford, they offer therapy specifically for those with anxiety.  I was pleased to see they provide evening and weekend appointments.  But unfortunately due to a recent shakeup with mental health services within the NHS they were only providing appointments in working hours Monday to Friday.  However, I spoke to a very nice woman on the phone who asked me a few questions.  She made an appointment for me on 3 December to have a mental health assessment with a counsellor which would be conducted on the telephone and sent me a questionnaire to fill in beforehand.

Daft I know but no surprise that I was anxious about talking about my anxiety! But the counsellor Matthew was easy to talk to once I got going I tried to be as frank and honest as I could the call lasted about 30 minutes.  He asked me about specific events that trigger my anxiety, my general state of my mental health, and we went through the questionnaire which I had filled out prior to speaking to him. At the end he told me the clinic would be in touch when they had a counsellor free to treat me.

UPDATE: I saw my GP again just before Christmas and I gave him an update on my progress with contacting the clinic and he gave me the results of my blood tests which were all clear and said I was in excellent health which was good to hear.

As of today I am still waiting to hear but I knew it would be about 4-6 weeks before I was likely to hear from the clinic.

Anxiety

I must preface this by saying I am lucky as an anxiety sufferer, I can work, do some socialising (when I have to), travel etc.  I live with my problem and try and work around it, writing things down helps, talking to my parents.  BUT it has been the bane of my life as long as I can remember.

I'm such a worrier I worry about everything I text someone and make a joke or comment and then when I don't hear from that person I worry that I've said something to upset them and that's why they've not got in touch.  If I send an email I worry if I don't hear back within a few days that they don't want to be friends anymore.  I know it's me that I'm being silly but I can't help it I go through scenarios in my head about the reasons for the delay or in what way I've caused a problem. Then I think maybe I should text or email again but I stop myself because I don't want to be the annoying friend who won't leave people alone.  And my stomach ties in knots.  Or often I ignore people completely because I'm hopeless at making friends don't know what to say half the time so I procrastinate and leave it too long.

I get very easily distracted if I'm trying to read and someone is talking waving their hands around it will irritate me, if a bag strap is hanging down from the luggage rack or a door banging every now and then where someone hasn't closed it.  I try and use instrumental music to help me focus.  It doesn't always help sometimes I have to move or close the door! I don't get annoyed at the person(s) but at myself.

Other symptoms I often have are:

•  clenching my jaw - I often wear a mouthguard to help with this at night

• tense stomach/feeling uncomfortable - even had medical tests but there was nothing wrong - I realised it was another symptom of anxiety

• diarrhea

• increased heartbeat

• being indecisive

It does get me down I go through phases where I get depressed about it and it gets on top of me.

I finally made an appointment with my GP but as is usual nowadays I had to wait two and a half weeks and because I hadn't had a problem for nearly two weeks I was thinking of cancelling (yes I know avoiding the issue sticking my head in the sand my favourite thing to do) and then this weekend I had two episodes in quick succession.  The terrible tragedies in Paris on Friday night sent me rushing to the toilet. This is not in anyway to trivialise the events but is the way I deal with any stress my stomach is always the first to react. On Sunday night though I had another bout this time thinking about my hospital appointment to have a mammogram. I thought ENOUGH I'm going to see my GP even if he says there is nothing he can do at least I will have tried.

Asexual Awareness Week

I posted this photo up on my Instagram and Twitter account as my teeny contribution to Asexual Awareness Week.  I bought the tshirt via the MaapleUK website:

http://maaple.org.uk/campaign/exhibit-a-t-shirts-available/

If I do say so myself I think it looks great.

#asexualawareness #asexuality #ace

Asexuality - A Brief Introduction

Asexuality is a sexual orientation characterized by a persistent lack of sexual attraction toward any gender."

"Asexuality is not a disease. It’s not a medical condition. It’s not caused by low hormones or a brain tumor. It’s not a temporary phase. It’s not the result of childhood trauma. It’s not a response to a relationship gone wrong."

The Asexual Flag

I have just finished reading "Asexuality - A Brief Introduction" published by Asexuality Archive and it's made me reconsider and reflect on my life and attitudes to sex and relationships.  It also made me realise that there is no neat box to fit your life into there are so many different elements and some things fit that the author described and some didn't everyone's an individual.

In 2012 I discovered asexuality and the existence of AVEN (the Asexual Visibility and Education Network - www.asexuality.org) but it has taken me a while to become more involved in the online asexual world.  I don't know why but maybe I needed time to process this self discovery and accept that there were other people out there like me and I was not alone.  I couldn't believe it a website where I could finally relate.  I never thought I would be part of a minority group!

Apparently about 1% of the population is asexual.  It is not abstinence or celibacy, asexuality is not a choice.  But I am the classic asexual which fits the stereotypes or at least almost all of them.

▪️ I am both asexual and aromantic (not romantically attracted to any gender);

▪️ I am a Sherlock Holmes fan (but not Doctor Who though);

▪️ I love reading;

▪️ I am introverted and a socially awkward person;

▪️ I suffer from anxiety (mild form);

▪️ I am a geek (I love both country music and scifi/fantasy)

▪️ oh and I love cake!

When I was at school I thought the way I felt about boys and sex would change after I left school maybe I was repressing those feelings because of the way my parents were a little bit old fashioned about dating and boys and didn't think it was appropriate for me whilst I was at school.  But I didn't change.  It just never happened for me I never met anyone at work, or through the rare social events I did attend, or whilst travelling.  I'm nearly 50 now if I was going to experience those feelings I figure it would have happened by now.

I didn't realise until recently when talking to my mum that people had in the past asked her about me and getting married and she had responded that I didn't want to.  And when they replied that I might change my mind my mum had said I don't think she will, that I was happy as I was.  I realise I have been lucky in many respects from reading other people's experiences I've never had family pressure to get married or have children. I know my mum would have liked them but never made me feel guilty.  Thanks Mum.  Also at work and socially maybe it's a generation thing or being British that we don't ask questions so I've never been given the third degree about my personal life my lack of dating and being single so long.

For me I feel my asexuality and aromanticism very much ties in with my social awkwardness and difficulty making friends which is often of my own making I know I often don't help myself by not socialising more and sometimes I know I deliberately push people away.  I do wish at times I was that person who made friends I think I am getting better well I should say I am better online, in person is still a work in progress.

Unfinished Projects

As I've revived my blog it seems appropriate to do the same with my cross stitch projects.  Time to blow the cobwebs off.  I currently have 3 that need to be completed before I start anything new - my Humphrey Bogart, Columbus and Disney designs.  Here are their current status:

The priority is Bogart and although it may look like there is not much more to complete there is a whole section at the bottom to be done yet and it is very small stitches.  I had a little go at the weekend so watch this space ...

My Introduction To Jeremy Renner

Source: This beautiful wallpaper art work is from Deviant Art website by Aiko-Yamada
Link: http://aiko-yamada.deviantart.com/art/Agent-Barton-Thor-cameo-wallpaper-330823943

I thought I'd write about my introduction to Jeremy Renner and how I became a fan.

I've always been keen on superhero movies from Superman to Batman and even watch the bad ones like The Phantom. So no surprise I went to see Thor, anyone who has seen the film will know there is a scene with an archer whom Fury calls on to act as standby backup should he be needed to deal with Thor. It was only a short scene, it was dark, in the pouring rain and the character didn't even participate in the action but for some reason it resonated with me. All I kept thinking about was would the archer reappear and being disappointed when I walked out of the cinema that I hadn't seen him again. Not being a comic book fan I didn't even know the character's name or where he fitted into in the Marvel canon.

So when I got home I looked him up - Jeremy Renner and saw that he was due to be in the upcoming Mission Impossible sequel and The Avengers. I also realised I'd seen him before some years ago in episodes of CSI and Angel. My boss at the time had kept going on about the Mission Impossible films and how great they were but I had a closed mind. The reason was I'd loved the original TV series and had gone to see with my parents the first Tom Cruise Mission Impossible film which came out in 1996 and hated it. They had made Jim Phelps a traitor had could they!

In the summer of 1996 I flew on holiday and Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol was one of the film options so despite my self-imposed ban I watched it intrigued to see the archer again. I always find it difficult to watch and enjoy films on flights but perservered through the Tomcentric parts helped enormously by the presence of Simon Pegg. And here again was this intriguing new actor Jeremy Renner squaring up to the great Tom Cruise I especially liked the scene with Tom almost a dance scene over the gun, the scenes with Simon Pegg were great but also the vulnerability Jeremy showed in the scenes of guilt he felt for Ethan's wife's death.

By the time I saw The Avengers later that summer I was fully won over and there was no going back my addiction had taken hold and I was tweeting, tumblring and Facebooking with like minded souls all as addicted as me.

Jeremy Renner and Sonni Pacheco - Divorce

I am not going to repeat what has been reported in the gossip columns nor the allegations in the divorce papers served by both parties.  If you want to you can just Google.

However, I do want to declare my support for Jeremy in what must be an extremely stressful time.  I'm hoping that matters will ultimately be resolved amicably especially for their little girl Ava at the heart of this situation.  Ultimately my allegiances lie with Jeremy.  And I wish him the best of luck on 1 April.

James Franco - Shades of Grey

James Franco was recently interviewed in the March edition of Four Two Nine Magazine stating about his sexuality:

"Well, I like to think that I’m gay in my art and straight in my life. Although, I’m also gay in my life up to the point of intercourse, and then you could say I’m straight. So I guess it depends on how you define gay. If it means whom you have sex with, I guess I’m straight. In the twenties and thirties, they used to define homosexuality by how you acted and not by whom you slept with. Sailors would fuck guys all the time, but as long as they behaved in masculine ways, they weren’t considered gay."

If I had read such a statement a few years ago I would have probably glanced at it and been a bit dismissive being just another Hollywood actor seeking attention. But in 2012 I discovered AVEN and asexuality and entered a whole other world and a journey of self discovery. I am realising that the world is a far more complicated place sexually and there is a place in it that fits me and I am not alone.

Film Review: Kill The Messenger

 

 

 

Having waited so long to see this film and with such high expectations I was concerned that it wouldn't deliver but I needn't have worried. I liked the documentary style opening and I think despite its obviously complex subject the screenplay and the way it was edited set out clearly what had and was happening so I understood and could follow the events even though I had not read Gary Webb's book. Jeremy Renner's performance was a very intense portrayal and movingly conveyed his journey from his euphoria at having achieved what every journalist is searching for THE story to his slow disintegration into despair when he realised his dream was crumbling as the CIA, fellow journalists, TV reporters turned on him. I found the family scenes very poignant and convincing. It was horrible watching the people he trusted the most betray him and you could see that they were doing so reluctantly but doing so nonetheless.


I was under the impression when following the filming that the ending would be different I thought they had included Gary's suicide but instead they only mentioned it as a postscript. I also thought they included him having an affair but what was conveyed was the toil it took on his marriage and his family because again it was only mentioned. But I'm glad this was the case as I feel this would have detracted from the message the story was conveying. So the film wasn't at all exploitative in the way it treated Gary's story despite those that turned on him and destroyed him using his personal life for their own purposes the film itself didn't sensationalise which is so common in Hollywood these days to create a 'good' story. I thought it was a nice touch to see the real Gary Webb with his family in a home movie as the film closed.

I thought the music was a little intrusive at times but I think this was because the theatre I was in was only small being only 4 rows of seats and the sound was too loud. At first I was not sure what purpose was served by seeing Gary occasionally zooming along on his motorbike but I guess it was to convey how important his bike was to him and why he was so upset when it was stolen contributing to his depressed feelings.

I think Jeremy Renner can be very proud of this film and this his first with production company The Combine if he can continue to develop projects of this quality then we are in for some real treats in the future.

Rating - 8/10

2015 Reading Challenge

It has been a long time since I have posted on my blog but I have decided to revive my interest in it (inspired by a blog that I have been following by Jeremy's Flame).  Hoping it will encourage me as well to start stitching again since that has also gone by the wayside.  I'd thought I'd start with posting about my 2015 reading challenge (yes I know it doesn't exactly indicate hope for my cross stitching aspirations!) I did join a reading group on GoodReads thinking there would be other like minded souls and we would encourage each other and talk about books but unfortunately there seems to be very little traffic on the forum and we seem to be talking to ourselves rather than interacting.

I have completed 9 categories so far:

• A book with more than 500 pages: All The Colours of Darkness by Peter Robinson
• A book by a female author: Grave Secret by Charlaine Harris
• A mystery or thriller: Midnight Crossroad by Charlaine Harris
• A book set in a different country: Memoirs Of A Geisha by Arthur Golden
• A book a friend recommended: The Screaming Staircase by Jonathan Stroud
• A book you can finish in a day: The Old Man and The Sea by Ernest Hemingway
• A graphic novel: Jack The Ripper: A Journal of the Whitechapel Murders 1888-1889 by Rick Geary
• A book by an author you've never read before: The Witch's Ladder by Dana E Donovan
• A book that was originally written in a different language: 100 Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez 

I am currently reading A book with Magic - Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell by Susanna Clarke which is a 1000 pages long and to be honest I am struggling with it to me there is not enough story to sustain the length but I am still interested in how it is going to wrap up.  Poor Arabella, Stephen and Lady Hope!

Update

It has been a long time since I updated my blog but have been remiss in not cross stitching as often as I should or really wanted to because once I start I get the bug all over again!  I have been stopping and starting and moving between projects so have not completed much of anything recently.  So I thought it would be a good idea to give myself some encouragement by doing an update.  I did complete a couple of smaller projects:

for anyone who knows me knows I love country music so I stitched this fun design :)

and to commemorate the occasion of my parents' 50th anniversary I gave them this framed design.  I did this one in particular as they went to Switzerland not on their honeymoon (they were sensible and saving for a home) but a few years later and it was my Mum's first holiday abroad and they have such lovely memories:

In addition I have been working on and am nearly finished 'Discovery of the New World' which I really enjoyed doing I love cross stitch projects that tell a story - I have got to finish the backstitching which is yes a little tedious not my favourite bit to do but it is absolutely essential.  I had a friend some years ago who was working on a cross stitch project and it was her first piece and she was doing a really good job but told me that she wasn't going to bother with the backstitching.  It was a shame as if a job is worth doing then it is worth doing well and the stage of adding the backstitching although slow and fiddly is important to the finished look and really brings the design to life.  Anyway enough lecturing you can see the progress I have made so far and I will post the results of the finished piece:

I always take a project on holiday with me something lighthearted and fun and this is my current piece, my first Disney design I absolutely love Eeyore and both my Mum and myself have an eeyore on our beds.  The instructions for this is not as clear due to the number of backstitch lines which transverse the piece making it not easy to stitch but it is very colourful and should look really nice:

 

Lastly but not least is my albatross the Humphrey Bogart design which I am determined to complete but is a struggle and very slow growing this is the current stage it is at.  Still have my reservations but my Dad is keen for me to do it and I do hate to give up on something so am persevering with it.

Opinions on my work are encouraged so if you have any thoughts/suggestions please let me know.

I am determined not to leave it so long when I post again so watch this space!

The Finishing Touch

I am pleased to say that Betty has finished the cushion and here is my Mum posing with it. Betty has done a lovely job and the braiding and surrounding material really show off the shells.

Cross Stitch Comeback

Cross stitching has never gone away just like anything its popularity fluctuates - but I just found this link to a whole new world of cross stitch - how about stitching a Twitter saying or do you fancy stitching the Sistine Chapel's ceiling - it will only take you 8 years and 3,572 hours! There are amazing skills out there in the cross stitch world - wow takes your breath away:

http://www.shelterpop.com/2009/07/08/cross-stitching-makes-a-comeback/

Seashell Cushion - Complete

It's done, it took about two months, roughly two weeks for each square. I love the bright colours and the outer border in purple and the variegated blue sets it off well. Now it needs to go to Betty, a friend of my mother who is wonderful with a needle and thread I am going to ask her to add the finishing touches and hey presto I will have a cushion for our bathroom. I will post a picture when its ready. I am now working again on my Humphrey Bogart picture I think that once I have done a little more I will post it here I am unsure of how I feel about it I'm not sure about the colours but have been encouraged to continue so I will.

My next big project I am going to do as I said below stitch on evenweave I have picked out a great project called Discovery of the New World with Columbus' ship Santa Marie as the main focus surrounding it will be clouds, the moon and sun and globes representing the world as it was seen in 1442. It looks a striking piece. I am a little nervous about using evenweave so have chosen a small project to get a feel for the fabric first. Let you know how I get on.

Shell Cushion

I have completed half of the shell cushion, this side will not need anything else doing to it all the backstitching is complete. I estimate that it will take about a month to stitch the remaining half. This photo doesn't show it but in fact the fabric is a lovely ice blue colour which I think looks much nicer than just plain white. This is intended to go in the bathroom as we have a seaside theme. It is much easier to do the quarter stitches than I thought it would be and the variegated blue thread is a nice touch. As it's name suggests the thread changes its shading as you stitch so it is best to stitch each complete cross so the colour is consistent.

Update - About Time!

I started this blog with the intention of posting about my hobbies particularly about my cross stitching projects but sorry to say it has fallen by the wayside but I thought it would be nice to start posting again. My main problem is that I have so many other interests in addition to cross stitch that although I have fairly regularly kept at least one project going I do tend to progress rather slowly. Anyway here are those projects I have completed recently. I am really proud of The Magnificent Seven but have to say my favourite is the sleeping elf which now hangs over my bed. I am currently working on two projects one of Humphrey Bogart for my Dad and the other a cushion with sea shells of which I have already almost completed one quarter of. This one is coming together quite quickly. I am already thinking about what to do next! Am considering trying to stitch on evenweave fabric which I have never done before but apparently people say once you start using evenweave you don't want to go back to aida. That is enough for now but hopefully I'll keep up the posting a little more often from now on!