Struggling with being unemployed

It’s been a year since I was made redundant and apart from two short periods of temporary work I am still searching.  Every interview becomes harder it feels like a part of me is being sucked out and left behind.  It is very frustrating I’ve never had a lot of confidence in myself, I read the job descriptions and my heart sinks with phrases such as dealing with high pressure situations and demonstrates proactivity and takes the initiative, etc.  The feedback I receive is “we like her but …” normally related to feeling that I am quiet and they worry I won’t be able to deal with the partners/fee earners but I want to scream at them I worked for 27 years as a secretary I can’t have been that hopeless.  But I suppose they have to whittle down the candidates and this is the way they do it.  I find it hard to sell myself in interviews to find the right phrases to say I don’t have enough STAR stories.  STAR = Situation, Task, Action, Result.  I’m no good at making things up I can only be myself.

Every time the phone rings my stomach does somersaults usually I deal with agencies when they initially contact you they are all confident - oh your CV is excellent we’re get you a job in no time and you know it’s a lie.  I decided to switch my focus more towards local jobs it would be nice not to have to travel so far but I’ve have had a couple again they went with someone more suited to the role.  For one of the positions I applied for and did an interview, and was told they went with someone else about a week later I got a call from a different agency asking if I wanted to apply for the same role!  That was a real boost to my confidence.  A lot of the problem is my field of legal work is mainly employment and pensions and for a lot of local secretarial jobs it’s more conveyancing or family based legal work and companies want experience in those areas before they will consider you for interview.  I’m willing to travel to other areas of Kent, Canterbury, Tunbridge Wells, Margate, Sevenoaks, Tonbridge, I don’t mind, I’m willing to try a different area of law if someone would be prepared to give me a chance.

I really don’t know where to go to from here I keep thinking what else I could do change of career, go back to college, but you need a talent that you can work on and I’ve never been very academic.  And my anxiety is playing havoc with my emotions, even when I’m watching TV in the evenings every few minutes I can feel the ache of anxiety in my stomach and the despair just hits you, when am I ever going to get a job again.

I suppose I just have to keep plodding along hoping that I’ll get lucky.

Example of How Anxiety Affects Me

So this is me - my tentative Friday afternoon/evening arrangements - having to leave work early to catch a train then a bus to the dentist.  Then as I want to go and see Star Trek: Beyond afterwards locally I have to get a bus back into town, have a bite to eat beforehand and then get a bus home afterwards.  

So a little bit complicated but I am not planning a trip to Mongolia for goodness sake so why am I getting anxious and have butterflies.  I feel ridiculous but I find writing things down - the order of events focuses me a little.  And yes I'm anxious but like Paul Dooley (www.anxietyguru.net)* says:

"The better you tolerate the unknown the better you deal with anxiety - manage not knowing - roll with it".

"Stay in the moment.  Day by day.  It won't feel so overwhelming.  Eventually it will subside."

Breathe.

UPDATE (9/8/2016 - 07:30)

I realise I get worried about pressure of deadlines so being on time for appointments stresses me out.  Paul Dooley is right it's about control - I don't have control over the train so I worry I will be late (hey this is Southeastern we are talking about!).  But be organised leave yourself plenty of time.

Also I hate telling people in advance what I'm doing in case I either change my mind and bottle or something goes wrong.  But this time I made a point of telling people what I was doing and everything went fine I made the appointments with plenty of time to spare and went to see the movie which was great by the way.

I also went to a march at the weekend through Hythe never done that before it was for a collective protest to Save Princes Parade (see photo), against the lorry park and Otterpool.  I'm really pleased I went in fact very proud of myself.

*Note: Paul Dooley runs a website www.anxietyguru.net and a podcast - I will do a separate posting about him.

Post CBT Therapy

I did 4 sessions of CBT Therapy before I felt that we were now chewing the cabbages in a sense of going over the same ground in the sessions and that now it was up to me to move forward.  One important point I took with me and i know to be true the more you do something the easier it is each time.

It is like learning any new skill it takes practice.

I have taken some small steps, I joined a book club which takes place at lunchtime at a library near my workplace, I love to read and have been posting my book reviews on GoodReads for the last couple of years.  It is a small group everyone's very friendly and it is fun to hear other people's opinions and if they share the same as your's and if their perspective is different to see the book from varying angles. Generally the group meets for around 40 mins once a month.  If you want to read my book reviews there is a link on the right hand side to my GoodReads page.

I have also been encouraged by a friend and colleague at work to take out a membership to the Culture Seerkers website http://www.meetup.com/London_Cultureseekers/ 

Robert who runs the Group arranges meet ups for various events throughout the year, every month there are coffee mornings, evening meals, days out to cultural events, art galleries, historical houses, walks, etc.  You can go along to a couple of events just to see whether you like it and then the membership is £12 a year and for that you get discounts etc.  

I have been along to two events so far once to visit Charles Dickens House and the second for a treasure hunt around Clerkenwell which was good fun.  Everyone was very friendly many people are regulars afterwards you can congregate at a designated pub.

I'm still a work in progress!

CBT Therapy

I had my first CBT Therapy session on Monday 29 February 2016 with Natalia.  I had to wait about 3 months which I realise is very good considering the waiting lists for mental health support on the NHS these days.

I had my usual self-doubts beforehand - I've not had any 'real' social anxiety issues since before Christmas so maybe I should cancel and let someone else have the slot who needs it more than me.

But then it occurs to me that that's because I've not been anywhere or done anything outside of my comfort zone just going to work and home again.  My one social outing was to visit my friend Audrey at her home in Sittingbourne and who I now feel comfortable with it only took me 6.5 years to get there.  So I gave myself a talking to and said lets do it I know she'll be nice as therapists are trained to put people at their ease (and she was).

To start with we had a general chat about matters that bother me which basically stems from my social anxiety as general day to day work is okay.  She told me I should record things that go through my mind when I'm anxious.  She advised me to write a list, a hierarchy from easiest to hardest of goals or things I want to do that I currently find hard to do. And to start to implement mini-dares for myself such as going somewhere I wouldn't normally go as I find travelling especially on holiday or going on weekends away often induces my anxiety.  Natalia explained that if you set yourself smaller achievable goals but spread them out, when you eventually deal with a larger one, you realise that the larger event is really only a series of smaller ones strung together and it becomes easier to manage.

She also mentioned it was important to incorporate exercise, getting enough sleep and eating healthily.

It may seem obvious to most people but when your anxious or get yourself in a rut it is difficult to get out of bad habits and implement basic changes in your life.

Anyway she gave me lots to think about.

Anxiety Update

I kept my appointment with my GP, he recommended:

(1) I have some blood tests just to make sure I don't have an overactive thyroid, I find this extremely unlikely as I have had regular medical checkups through work and I would have thought this would have been picked up, however, I'm not a doctor so I went along to my local hospital and had the blood tests just to be sure.

(2) He also gave me a list of clinics that offer counselling services in Kent that are offered by the NHS and to look through them to see which one would suit me best.  

My GP also told me to make an appointment to see him again in a month's time.

Meanwhile I picked Insight Healthcare who have offices in Ashford, they offer therapy specifically for those with anxiety.  I was pleased to see they provide evening and weekend appointments.  But unfortunately due to a recent shakeup with mental health services within the NHS they were only providing appointments in working hours Monday to Friday.  However, I spoke to a very nice woman on the phone who asked me a few questions.  She made an appointment for me on 3 December to have a mental health assessment with a counsellor which would be conducted on the telephone and sent me a questionnaire to fill in beforehand.

Daft I know but no surprise that I was anxious about talking about my anxiety! But the counsellor Matthew was easy to talk to once I got going I tried to be as frank and honest as I could the call lasted about 30 minutes.  He asked me about specific events that trigger my anxiety, my general state of my mental health, and we went through the questionnaire which I had filled out prior to speaking to him. At the end he told me the clinic would be in touch when they had a counsellor free to treat me.

UPDATE: I saw my GP again just before Christmas and I gave him an update on my progress with contacting the clinic and he gave me the results of my blood tests which were all clear and said I was in excellent health which was good to hear.

As of today I am still waiting to hear but I knew it would be about 4-6 weeks before I was likely to hear from the clinic.

Anxiety

I must preface this by saying I am lucky as an anxiety sufferer, I can work, do some socialising (when I have to), travel etc.  I live with my problem and try and work around it, writing things down helps, talking to my parents.  BUT it has been the bane of my life as long as I can remember.

I'm such a worrier I worry about everything I text someone and make a joke or comment and then when I don't hear from that person I worry that I've said something to upset them and that's why they've not got in touch.  If I send an email I worry if I don't hear back within a few days that they don't want to be friends anymore.  I know it's me that I'm being silly but I can't help it I go through scenarios in my head about the reasons for the delay or in what way I've caused a problem. Then I think maybe I should text or email again but I stop myself because I don't want to be the annoying friend who won't leave people alone.  And my stomach ties in knots.  Or often I ignore people completely because I'm hopeless at making friends don't know what to say half the time so I procrastinate and leave it too long.

I get very easily distracted if I'm trying to read and someone is talking waving their hands around it will irritate me, if a bag strap is hanging down from the luggage rack or a door banging every now and then where someone hasn't closed it.  I try and use instrumental music to help me focus.  It doesn't always help sometimes I have to move or close the door! I don't get annoyed at the person(s) but at myself.

Other symptoms I often have are:

•  clenching my jaw - I often wear a mouthguard to help with this at night

• tense stomach/feeling uncomfortable - even had medical tests but there was nothing wrong - I realised it was another symptom of anxiety

• diarrhea

• increased heartbeat

• being indecisive

It does get me down I go through phases where I get depressed about it and it gets on top of me.

I finally made an appointment with my GP but as is usual nowadays I had to wait two and a half weeks and because I hadn't had a problem for nearly two weeks I was thinking of cancelling (yes I know avoiding the issue sticking my head in the sand my favourite thing to do) and then this weekend I had two episodes in quick succession.  The terrible tragedies in Paris on Friday night sent me rushing to the toilet. This is not in anyway to trivialise the events but is the way I deal with any stress my stomach is always the first to react. On Sunday night though I had another bout this time thinking about my hospital appointment to have a mammogram. I thought ENOUGH I'm going to see my GP even if he says there is nothing he can do at least I will have tried.