Anxiety

I must preface this by saying I am lucky as an anxiety sufferer, I can work, do some socialising (when I have to), travel etc.  I live with my problem and try and work around it, writing things down helps, talking to my parents.  BUT it has been the bane of my life as long as I can remember.

I'm such a worrier I worry about everything I text someone and make a joke or comment and then when I don't hear from that person I worry that I've said something to upset them and that's why they've not got in touch.  If I send an email I worry if I don't hear back within a few days that they don't want to be friends anymore.  I know it's me that I'm being silly but I can't help it I go through scenarios in my head about the reasons for the delay or in what way I've caused a problem. Then I think maybe I should text or email again but I stop myself because I don't want to be the annoying friend who won't leave people alone.  And my stomach ties in knots.  Or often I ignore people completely because I'm hopeless at making friends don't know what to say half the time so I procrastinate and leave it too long.

I get very easily distracted if I'm trying to read and someone is talking waving their hands around it will irritate me, if a bag strap is hanging down from the luggage rack or a door banging every now and then where someone hasn't closed it.  I try and use instrumental music to help me focus.  It doesn't always help sometimes I have to move or close the door! I don't get annoyed at the person(s) but at myself.

Other symptoms I often have are:

•  clenching my jaw - I often wear a mouthguard to help with this at night

• tense stomach/feeling uncomfortable - even had medical tests but there was nothing wrong - I realised it was another symptom of anxiety

• diarrhea

• increased heartbeat

• being indecisive

It does get me down I go through phases where I get depressed about it and it gets on top of me.

I finally made an appointment with my GP but as is usual nowadays I had to wait two and a half weeks and because I hadn't had a problem for nearly two weeks I was thinking of cancelling (yes I know avoiding the issue sticking my head in the sand my favourite thing to do) and then this weekend I had two episodes in quick succession.  The terrible tragedies in Paris on Friday night sent me rushing to the toilet. This is not in anyway to trivialise the events but is the way I deal with any stress my stomach is always the first to react. On Sunday night though I had another bout this time thinking about my hospital appointment to have a mammogram. I thought ENOUGH I'm going to see my GP even if he says there is nothing he can do at least I will have tried.

Asexual Awareness Week

I posted this photo up on my Instagram and Twitter account as my teeny contribution to Asexual Awareness Week.  I bought the tshirt via the MaapleUK website:

http://maaple.org.uk/campaign/exhibit-a-t-shirts-available/

If I do say so myself I think it looks great.

#asexualawareness #asexuality #ace

Asexuality - A Brief Introduction

Asexuality is a sexual orientation characterized by a persistent lack of sexual attraction toward any gender."

"Asexuality is not a disease. It’s not a medical condition. It’s not caused by low hormones or a brain tumor. It’s not a temporary phase. It’s not the result of childhood trauma. It’s not a response to a relationship gone wrong."

The Asexual Flag

I have just finished reading "Asexuality - A Brief Introduction" published by Asexuality Archive and it's made me reconsider and reflect on my life and attitudes to sex and relationships.  It also made me realise that there is no neat box to fit your life into there are so many different elements and some things fit that the author described and some didn't everyone's an individual.

In 2012 I discovered asexuality and the existence of AVEN (the Asexual Visibility and Education Network - www.asexuality.org) but it has taken me a while to become more involved in the online asexual world.  I don't know why but maybe I needed time to process this self discovery and accept that there were other people out there like me and I was not alone.  I couldn't believe it a website where I could finally relate.  I never thought I would be part of a minority group!

Apparently about 1% of the population is asexual.  It is not abstinence or celibacy, asexuality is not a choice.  But I am the classic asexual which fits the stereotypes or at least almost all of them.

▪️ I am both asexual and aromantic (not romantically attracted to any gender);

▪️ I am a Sherlock Holmes fan (but not Doctor Who though);

▪️ I love reading;

▪️ I am introverted and a socially awkward person;

▪️ I suffer from anxiety (mild form);

▪️ I am a geek (I love both country music and scifi/fantasy)

▪️ oh and I love cake!

When I was at school I thought the way I felt about boys and sex would change after I left school maybe I was repressing those feelings because of the way my parents were a little bit old fashioned about dating and boys and didn't think it was appropriate for me whilst I was at school.  But I didn't change.  It just never happened for me I never met anyone at work, or through the rare social events I did attend, or whilst travelling.  I'm nearly 50 now if I was going to experience those feelings I figure it would have happened by now.

I didn't realise until recently when talking to my mum that people had in the past asked her about me and getting married and she had responded that I didn't want to.  And when they replied that I might change my mind my mum had said I don't think she will, that I was happy as I was.  I realise I have been lucky in many respects from reading other people's experiences I've never had family pressure to get married or have children. I know my mum would have liked them but never made me feel guilty.  Thanks Mum.  Also at work and socially maybe it's a generation thing or being British that we don't ask questions so I've never been given the third degree about my personal life my lack of dating and being single so long.

For me I feel my asexuality and aromanticism very much ties in with my social awkwardness and difficulty making friends which is often of my own making I know I often don't help myself by not socialising more and sometimes I know I deliberately push people away.  I do wish at times I was that person who made friends I think I am getting better well I should say I am better online, in person is still a work in progress.

Unfinished Projects

As I've revived my blog it seems appropriate to do the same with my cross stitch projects.  Time to blow the cobwebs off.  I currently have 3 that need to be completed before I start anything new - my Humphrey Bogart, Columbus and Disney designs.  Here are their current status:

The priority is Bogart and although it may look like there is not much more to complete there is a whole section at the bottom to be done yet and it is very small stitches.  I had a little go at the weekend so watch this space ...

My Introduction To Jeremy Renner

Source: This beautiful wallpaper art work is from Deviant Art website by Aiko-Yamada
Link: http://aiko-yamada.deviantart.com/art/Agent-Barton-Thor-cameo-wallpaper-330823943

I thought I'd write about my introduction to Jeremy Renner and how I became a fan.

I've always been keen on superhero movies from Superman to Batman and even watch the bad ones like The Phantom. So no surprise I went to see Thor, anyone who has seen the film will know there is a scene with an archer whom Fury calls on to act as standby backup should he be needed to deal with Thor. It was only a short scene, it was dark, in the pouring rain and the character didn't even participate in the action but for some reason it resonated with me. All I kept thinking about was would the archer reappear and being disappointed when I walked out of the cinema that I hadn't seen him again. Not being a comic book fan I didn't even know the character's name or where he fitted into in the Marvel canon.

So when I got home I looked him up - Jeremy Renner and saw that he was due to be in the upcoming Mission Impossible sequel and The Avengers. I also realised I'd seen him before some years ago in episodes of CSI and Angel. My boss at the time had kept going on about the Mission Impossible films and how great they were but I had a closed mind. The reason was I'd loved the original TV series and had gone to see with my parents the first Tom Cruise Mission Impossible film which came out in 1996 and hated it. They had made Jim Phelps a traitor had could they!

In the summer of 1996 I flew on holiday and Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol was one of the film options so despite my self-imposed ban I watched it intrigued to see the archer again. I always find it difficult to watch and enjoy films on flights but perservered through the Tomcentric parts helped enormously by the presence of Simon Pegg. And here again was this intriguing new actor Jeremy Renner squaring up to the great Tom Cruise I especially liked the scene with Tom almost a dance scene over the gun, the scenes with Simon Pegg were great but also the vulnerability Jeremy showed in the scenes of guilt he felt for Ethan's wife's death.

By the time I saw The Avengers later that summer I was fully won over and there was no going back my addiction had taken hold and I was tweeting, tumblring and Facebooking with like minded souls all as addicted as me.

Jeremy Renner and Sonni Pacheco - Divorce

I am not going to repeat what has been reported in the gossip columns nor the allegations in the divorce papers served by both parties.  If you want to you can just Google.

However, I do want to declare my support for Jeremy in what must be an extremely stressful time.  I'm hoping that matters will ultimately be resolved amicably especially for their little girl Ava at the heart of this situation.  Ultimately my allegiances lie with Jeremy.  And I wish him the best of luck on 1 April.

James Franco - Shades of Grey

James Franco was recently interviewed in the March edition of Four Two Nine Magazine stating about his sexuality:

"Well, I like to think that I’m gay in my art and straight in my life. Although, I’m also gay in my life up to the point of intercourse, and then you could say I’m straight. So I guess it depends on how you define gay. If it means whom you have sex with, I guess I’m straight. In the twenties and thirties, they used to define homosexuality by how you acted and not by whom you slept with. Sailors would fuck guys all the time, but as long as they behaved in masculine ways, they weren’t considered gay."

If I had read such a statement a few years ago I would have probably glanced at it and been a bit dismissive being just another Hollywood actor seeking attention. But in 2012 I discovered AVEN and asexuality and entered a whole other world and a journey of self discovery. I am realising that the world is a far more complicated place sexually and there is a place in it that fits me and I am not alone.

Film Review: Kill The Messenger

 

 

 

Having waited so long to see this film and with such high expectations I was concerned that it wouldn't deliver but I needn't have worried. I liked the documentary style opening and I think despite its obviously complex subject the screenplay and the way it was edited set out clearly what had and was happening so I understood and could follow the events even though I had not read Gary Webb's book. Jeremy Renner's performance was a very intense portrayal and movingly conveyed his journey from his euphoria at having achieved what every journalist is searching for THE story to his slow disintegration into despair when he realised his dream was crumbling as the CIA, fellow journalists, TV reporters turned on him. I found the family scenes very poignant and convincing. It was horrible watching the people he trusted the most betray him and you could see that they were doing so reluctantly but doing so nonetheless.


I was under the impression when following the filming that the ending would be different I thought they had included Gary's suicide but instead they only mentioned it as a postscript. I also thought they included him having an affair but what was conveyed was the toil it took on his marriage and his family because again it was only mentioned. But I'm glad this was the case as I feel this would have detracted from the message the story was conveying. So the film wasn't at all exploitative in the way it treated Gary's story despite those that turned on him and destroyed him using his personal life for their own purposes the film itself didn't sensationalise which is so common in Hollywood these days to create a 'good' story. I thought it was a nice touch to see the real Gary Webb with his family in a home movie as the film closed.

I thought the music was a little intrusive at times but I think this was because the theatre I was in was only small being only 4 rows of seats and the sound was too loud. At first I was not sure what purpose was served by seeing Gary occasionally zooming along on his motorbike but I guess it was to convey how important his bike was to him and why he was so upset when it was stolen contributing to his depressed feelings.

I think Jeremy Renner can be very proud of this film and this his first with production company The Combine if he can continue to develop projects of this quality then we are in for some real treats in the future.

Rating - 8/10

2015 Reading Challenge

It has been a long time since I have posted on my blog but I have decided to revive my interest in it (inspired by a blog that I have been following by Jeremy's Flame).  Hoping it will encourage me as well to start stitching again since that has also gone by the wayside.  I'd thought I'd start with posting about my 2015 reading challenge (yes I know it doesn't exactly indicate hope for my cross stitching aspirations!) I did join a reading group on GoodReads thinking there would be other like minded souls and we would encourage each other and talk about books but unfortunately there seems to be very little traffic on the forum and we seem to be talking to ourselves rather than interacting.

I have completed 9 categories so far:

• A book with more than 500 pages: All The Colours of Darkness by Peter Robinson
• A book by a female author: Grave Secret by Charlaine Harris
• A mystery or thriller: Midnight Crossroad by Charlaine Harris
• A book set in a different country: Memoirs Of A Geisha by Arthur Golden
• A book a friend recommended: The Screaming Staircase by Jonathan Stroud
• A book you can finish in a day: The Old Man and The Sea by Ernest Hemingway
• A graphic novel: Jack The Ripper: A Journal of the Whitechapel Murders 1888-1889 by Rick Geary
• A book by an author you've never read before: The Witch's Ladder by Dana E Donovan
• A book that was originally written in a different language: 100 Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez 

I am currently reading A book with Magic - Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell by Susanna Clarke which is a 1000 pages long and to be honest I am struggling with it to me there is not enough story to sustain the length but I am still interested in how it is going to wrap up.  Poor Arabella, Stephen and Lady Hope!